Taken Forgranted

last night, i enjoyed a YM conversation with one of my more sensible classmates. before this ym conversation, we did not really talk much, but i discovered in the course of our conversation that we had a lot in common.

however, one of our topics (which strangely ranged fromemotional distress to anime to porn) struck me. it was about being taken forgranted. and i realized, actually my friendf made me realize that this is something that a lot of people go through.

here is what i think about it:

i was in my friend's shoes a couple of years back. i felt like i was tken forgranted by people i held so close to my heart. and it truly creates a strain in the relationship.

but then after everything i had gone through, i realized that iwas not actually taken forgranted. i was actually expecting too much, and this was because i, too, was giving too mjuch

i did not just give my time to friends, i had invested my everything. i gave them my time, my money, my thoughts, my emotions. everything i had was theirs... and whenever they needed me i would be there for them in a heartbeat.

so you could just imagine how ad i felt when i was the one in need of some suppoert...and there was nobody there to comfort me..

and so, once again, the partyphile's world crashed. what i did was to cling to people who were, like me, partyphiles. so i did not have to invest in them wemotionally. i just needed to be the fun person i was pretending to be. but then i realized that gimik friends fremain friends up until you are in the club. after that, you are on your own. they arent friends, they are partypghiles.

so i grew up and i realized that i needed to face this problem. i was not going to be somebody who was going to be taken forgranted forever.

what i realized is that, i should not expect so much. i should not expect as much as i give. actually, i should not give that much. the key is to find people who appreciate whatever it is that i am capable of giving. because i would never again give everything to someone. that just makes me vulnerable

and that is how i turned out this way: jaded, bruised, toughened up and, numb.



confession #17:

after all that i have learned im still in doubt if the better decision is to give everything and risk being vulnerable or eing emotionallty absent and risk making true connections with people...

Actual Advice

friends message asking for advice:

ganito. may katxtmate me now na taga davao. he said na kami na daw. baby tawag nya sakin. he said that he likes me daw. and that he wants to be with me. we havent met each other yet. he wants to visit me here sa metro manila. but since he is unemployed, gusto nya, ako sasagot sa lahat ng gastos. if u were on my shoes, what will u do? would u spend for him? or what?


my advice:

haha...eeew..he sounds like a gold digger to me..
my advice is: dont ever think that a text relationship is serious.it never is.

because, once the clephone is tuerned off, you are excluded from his world...you cease to be part of everything he is about. when his sim is lost, suddenyl you are nothing but a memory. when his battery is low, you are nothing but something to look forward to. you are never a concrete human. your personality to him is tantamount to mere letters. meaningless messages. you are the answer to his desperate cry for companionship.

and if ever you decide to meet him, please dont ever spend anything on the guy! dinner or a movie is fine..but eeew..not plane fare and accomodations..

explain to him that you do not have extra cash on hand and that he needs to save up if he really wants to visit you. if he really loves you, he will use you as motivation to get a job and save up for that trip.

and do not expect him to be the same as he is in text. people are always different as who they try to project themselves to be in cyberlandia..

partyphile says: don't drop him just yet. enjoy what you get from this relationship. u must admit he is a good solution for boring hours. so dont get emotionally attached if that is his only purpose: to help you escape boredom.


confession #16

altrthough i find it totally baduy having a text mate...the idea that there is someone out there who does not REALLY know you, yet likes you enough for the sole reason that s/he likes ur personality seems romantic to me...

that way people like you, ultimately for who you are...and not just for the way you look, the stuff you have, or how much money you make...

Lonely Partyphile

It was a cold monday night .

i had arrived home, fresh from an exam on criminal law.

i had just eaten my dinner.

i had a piece of baby back ribs, 3 donuts, a cheese cupcake and some cadbury hot chocolate.

this was a typical dinner for me.

less meat, no rice, a lot of dessert.

i took a shower. i adjusted the water.

i always shower with warm water.

i put on my boxers and a huge shirt that had a big hole at the seems. this was my comfort wear.

i should have felt comfortable, smoking my last cigarette for the evening.

but as i was smoking the last puff i realized that i was doing nothing. i was just staring at nothingness. i was staring blankly into space.

once again i found myself thinking too much.

tonight, i should be comfortable.

i should feel at ease.

i had just finished an exam, i have only two more exams to go and about two weeks before my last exam. i had only 4 days in actual class.

i had only four days left in law school.

i had only four days left to spend with my friends.

and even though i should have been comfortable that evening, the truth that i had just four days with my classmates bothered me.

and it bothered me too much.

i did not enjoy my stay in law school. i guess, it was just not my calling.


nobody ever expected me to finish law school anyway. everybody thought i was too carefree to follow everything that law school required me too. everybody thought i did not have the brains for law school, or if i did, i didnt have the attitude for it. everybody thought that i was just wasting my tim and money, they thought that once again, i wa being the little brat that everybody knew me to be.

and you know what? after five months in law school...i



have proved that.....


... everybody was right.

i did not have what it took to finish law school. my guts spat it out. i couldnt take all the constrictions, all the rules and the prohibitions. somehow, i never felt that i could truly express myself in law school.and that made me restless. it made me search for my true passions. i guess i entered law school to prove to everybody that i COULD do it.

i got one of the highest (if not the highest score in the entrance exams). i got a score of 98%. i got a perfect mark on the second part of the exam. i took a separate IQ test which told me i could be a lawyer.

and somehow, this convinced me that i had what it took to finish law school. but i soon discovered that law took more than jut practical knowledge. although i may have had the capacities to finish law, i never had the heart to do so.but now that im quitting; i have given my naysayers another reason to see me negatively.

but i dont care right now. that has ceased to be important to me. what matters to me now, the reason for my deep pondering, the reason why i am, again, staring blankly into space is my friends. the friends i have made in law school

and although i have never showed them how much i cared for them, i really ,really do. i care for most of them; even the people who i do not really talk to.

they are all really fun and they are all nice to be with and i appreciate the fact that they respect my individualism and that that they are really welcoming and approachable and that they really do not compete with each other. these people are really a ciommunity. of course there are certain groups/cliques/barkadas, but nobody in the class has acted negatively towards me. i truly believe that none of them dislike me...and if they do..they better keep mum about it

argh..once again im typing too much, its sounding pointless...

what i wanna say is

i will miss my friends..i will miss them in a magnitude they probabaly do not understand. after all, the only thing they are gonna lose is me. i, on the other hand, will lose a whole class of wonderful people..

i will miss them. i will miss their smiles. i will miss the laughter. i will miss it all.

i hope that after im gone, they learn to appreciate each other more, and appreciate the moments they have together. i will never have those moments with them again. so i hope they learn to appreciate what il never have

confessions #15

i think il shed a tear after our last exams. i do not know why, but these people are close to my heart.

its probabaly true what they say: that people who are with you in times of trouble and hardship will always remain close to ur heart

and thast was what law school has been for me. a constant struggle. and im glad that i had some of the most wonderful people to share it with.

so even though i try to act cool all the time, and try to look like i never care; i'd risk it one time. il cry my heart out when i finally leave my classmates who have become more than classmates...they have become friends.

Not Invited

My little brother came home from school excited. he was invited to a pool party by his classmate. im sure he would not swim, he would be too embarassed of his body. im sure he would not be talking to much anyone there in the party. he is a really shy boy and he does not mingle much with his classmates. im sure once everyone started swimming, he would call mama up to fetch him. im sure he would be embarrased to eat much. im sure he would not belong.

but i understood his excitement. it was an extremely special event for him to be invited to these parties. he did not have many friends, and his classmates seldom invite him to parties. he even attempted to get an invite, he asked his classmate if he could come along. of course the celebrant said no. he had already given out invites and my brother was not part of his inner circle.

right now its 12:30 in the afternoon. my brother is already in the shower, even though the invite says the party starts at 3. thats how excited he is. and im excited for him as well. and a part of me is guilty. here he was, excited for a party. when he gets there i doubt if he will enjoy it, or that he'll have something fun to do, but the fact that he was invited is enough for him.

on the other end of the social spectra was me. the one who always, always gets invited by everyone. i really do not know why, but im sure im a social butterflty. i try not to make anyone uncomfortable and im just relateable. plus i have a lot of things to say and i have a lotta crazy stuff in my mind. i may be fun. thats probabaly the reason why i usually get invited to festivities and what not...

so when i think about how my brother is in the social jungle that is his classroom..it breaks my heart...

and then the inevitable happened. my pity for my brother became self-pity.

i was excited for him because he got invited to a party, and then i discovered that it was my classmate's birthday as well.. and lo and behold, she chose not to invite me. to normal people this would be fine. maybe we werent as close as some of our other classmates were with her but i did not take it lightly.

i am zhaun ortega..,.the one who gets invited to every party, every barkada outing (even if i was not included in the barkada) and to me, this was a sign that my social standing was waning...or was directed towards a different direction..

confession #15
this realization was not happy i was sad for my brother because this party invite was thye exception. his norm would be not getting invited.

and here i was. i was not invited, and this was the exception. and i feel like shit. i could not accept it. i cant imagine how my brother could take this everytime he hears that one of his classmates was throwing a party and he was, yet again, not invited.

Remembered Too Late ( One Sweet Day)

"Sorry, I never told you... all I wanted to say"

Those are the opening lines of one tof those most succesful songs ever written. the song is called One Sweet Day, penned and performed by amriah Carey and BoyzIIMen.

I do not know anyone who does not know about this song. It is truly a wonderful song, and although it is filled with melismas and vocal acrobatics, the essence and the meaning of the song was too strong to be covered up by such vocal suprfluousity. Of course, the song is wonderfully sad but hopeful. And somehow, i never truly understood the meaning of the song until yesterday.

I know the lyrics are clear and that everyone could probably relate to the song because loss is a toic everyone has experienced and has had a hard time experiencing, but soemhow, i did not really "feel" the song as much as i feel it now.

And this was yet again, because of another party.

Yes, I was invited yet again to a party. This time, it was my friend's 21st birthday. And i was quite taken aback when i learned where the party was going to be.

When i arrived at the Davao Memorial Park, i greetd the birthday girl straight away. We were in her mom's mosoleum.Her mom had died a couple of months back and she probabaly wnated to spend her first birthday without her mom (physically), with her mom (in essence).

What struck me was that this woman lying there in the mosoleum was someone i had never talked to. I had been invited to several birthday celebrations of this particular friend but she had never brought her mom along. She would often leave her behind or something. Mayeb her mom was busy, maybe she did not feel comfortable drinking in front of her mom (who would be?). But my point is that she was never around us when her daughter celebrated her birthdays... until now.

Although it is such a cliche, the saying "don't know what you've got 'til its gone" is a strong one because it is true, and most often, it is a realization too strong to ignore. So it struck me. How long must we wait to start to show care for people we truly care about?

Will we forever be stuck as what the philosopher Riceur would describe as a "socius"? One who is too caught up with this functional relationships instead of his personal relationships that we do not really get to stop for a while, step back and show people how we truly feel about them?

Are we too caught up in the beaurocracy of our modern world to have a chance to be truly human towards others? Are we too caught up with our functions rather than our relationships?

These thoughts are deserving of some pondering, and i think everyone should asses their lives at some point. we should never let go of the things that truly truly matter to us. We should not allow our jobs, school or whatever holds us back and gives us a false goal to make us forget the truly impoertant things in life: family, friendas and compassion.

confession # 14

that is probabaly what i like about clubbing. you eternally live in the moment. you do not have any function to perform. you just party, and party hearty! no worries, no one forgotten, no one sad..

until you come back home and then people ask you for those projects, people ask you to do chores or bosses stress you out.

The good thing is, there is always an all out, no holds barred gimmi8ck nigh out waiting for you every weekend.

Everyone Is Disposable After a Few Shots Of Vodka

well, welll, well...

once again i went out last saturnight and it was all less than ordinary..

i do not know why but i was not in the mood for whatever it was we were doing..

i guess the fact thati had a measly 2 hours of sleep in two days did not help much either, but somehow, i kept on thinking that there was more to it..

i mean, there was just too much negative enrgy in the air...and when im feeling stressed, the first thing i wanna do is dance my nigth away in some club..

however, no body wanted to dance with me..and those who wanted to dance with me..were, well...i wasnt up for dancing with them

so my official gimick buddies did not want to get in the floor
and when they finally decided that it was time to, i had already been sleeping at home in my bed

wjhat was the matter? well..a lot of stuff

these chicks i call my "official gimmick buddies" were feeling the sting of love


the other one was trying to make peace with another one of our gimmick buddies (who happens to be ehr boyfriend)

and the other one was pisssed off at her pseudo-boyfriend and was anxiously waiting for other pseudo-boyfriend to arrive


needless to say..i was in a corner minding, for the first time, my own business

and there in the middle of rizal promenade, where my friends were feeling hurt because of the motions of love..i was wishing that i had somebody to cry for, to hurt for..and maybe to dance with


i do not know what is up with my life right now, or if i hadnt been open to new people..but it has been forever since i was giddy in love or giddily infatuated...


i have been waiting for someone, anyone to knock me off my feet..and i do not know where that person is, or if that person will ever come..and seriously..im getting tired of singlehood

BUT at the same time..i would be too embarrassed to introduce my speical someone to my friends (they could just as easily form the young critics association) hehehehe

confession # 14

since i was not up for anything and my friends would not dance with me..i walked out and went home..

i guess its true waht i always say:

"Everyone is disposable after a few
shots of vodka"

Not-So-Good Byes

i have exactly 23 more days left in law schol, and i dont feel the way i thought i would. i mean, a couple of months ago, i thought law school was bringing me down. it was keeping me too busy to enjoy life and smell the roses. but now that it is about to end, i think i feel strange about it all... i even feel a little sad

i have managaed to make friends in law school. i am not overly close to ayone, five months is too short a time to truly get to know one individual. i do not know who these people really are, i do not know what makes them uberly happy, i do not know what makes them sad. i do not know what ticks them off, and i do not know what motivates them. i do not know all about them, and i do not know why. maybe they have not given me enough attention or information, maybe they did not befriend me enough, they did not reach out to me. or maybe i was being too self obsessed to care. maybe i did not give them the time of day, i did not get out of my way to get to know them. but right now, i does not matter who they are, where they're from, what they are made of. right now, what matters to me is that i am comfortable enough with them, to start calling them my friends. and this is exactly the reason why i am feeling a little down-hearted and sad.

i am not sad because im letting go of my dream of becoming a lawyer. for the most part, im sad because im leaving a bunch of wonderful people behind. i mean, i would like to think i have made a connection with my classmates, a connection that would not be severed just by the fact that i decided to quit law school ahead of them. haha..

i hope that in the near future, when they had just finished an exam, and they are bombarded with projects upon projects and reading materials galore, they would stop and enjoy the moment they have with each other and start to truly appreciate each other, not just as classmates, but as friends. i hope they take time to bond with each other and create moments that only law students would appreciate. the moments i may never have with them again.

i never expected that i would feel this way towards my classmates. i went to law school, not looking for friends... i did not want to get hurt again. i always suffer from separation anxiety. i was never good at good byes. and now, that it seems like i have left my friends hanging (because this time, instead of all of us closing a chapter of our lives, i was the only one leaving) i do not know how to deal with it.

i have always prided myself with the knowledge that i was jaded, numb, or as i always say, "emotionless". but that is not always true. in times where i would have to leave good people, good conversation, crazy times, and wonderful memories behind, i always feel lonely.

more importantly, i feel sad because i did not take time to get to know each and every one of my classmates. well, of course i know of them, but the sad truth is, when i step out of those classroom doors for the last time, i am not sure i would get invited back in, by my classmates. i am not sure if they would still text me when they are planning a night out. i am not sure if they would still invite me when to go out to drink late at night. i am not sure if they would still remember me, or if i had truly made a mark on them for the few months that i was with them.


there are a lot of things i am not sure of, i am uncertain about my life after law school. i do not know where im headed, i do not know what i will be doing, or if my plans will push thru. all i know is, every single day i spent in law school was not a waste... because in the course of looking for cases, reading hundreds of pages, preparing for exams, understanding concpets of the legal profession and relentless drama with our terror teachers i had found real friends. friends who accpeted me even before truly knowing who i was. all they know about me is that i was always chillaxing, partying, drinking and was always willing to befriend another person...and that was enough information for them to consider me a friend. and for that... i am eternally grateful.


confession # 13
with all the confusion surrounding my premature departure from law school; i do not know where im going, i do not know where i will be when these people i call my friends have become full fledged lawyers.

all i know is, in the future, when they have already been accepted as members of the integrated bar, it would not matter where i see them, whoever they have become, whatever the circumstances are, i will (and you can take my word for it) come up to them and greet them, just like old buddies do.

and i shall be proud that once upon a time, this great lawyer standing before me, thought i was important enough to talk to. i shall be proud that a person i used to call "friend" is now a lawyer. and i shall tell him/her how much i have missed him/her... because i would surely miss my classmates...


actually,



i already do...