nuffnang leaderboard

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My One and Only


Once again I was mindlessly channel surfing in bed on a Tuesday morning. It was 3 am, I was forcing myself to sleep and I was drunk again; I had gone out when I knew I was supposed to be studying for an exam. I started browsing my Inbox to delete messages from my friends inviting me to a night out, and then i stumbled upon my Mama's message from earlier that evening. It said that she had set aside some dinner for me which I could reheat once I got home. I checked the fridge and there it was: a plate of java rice and some breakfast food (that was probably the only thing she had time to cook with her busy schedule).

And as I was staring at this plate, I realized that she was waiting for me. Tonight, unlike any other night, I might come home early to spend some time with the family, and she could talk to me, ask me how my day was or how I was feeling. And even if she probably figured that I would come home, yet again, in the wee hours of the morning, this plate symbolized that hope. This plate was for me: her eldest son. The son she had given birth to when she was only 20, a year younger than I am now. I could not imagine how she handled the responsibility of having a child as a college student, when I could not even be responsible enough to concentrate on my studies. Yet, here she was, 21 years after, still trying to be the best mother she could be for us, for me.

I ate everything she had set aside for me even if I was stuffed. To me, this was my "thank you", my sign of gratitude, my symbol of appreciation. I ate my Mama's meal to show her that after a hard day, I still needed her; not because I want her to feel loved, but because I really do. I need my Mama. And although I don't admit it, although I try to convince myself that I have managed to become independent, the truth is I need her as much as I needed her when I was still inside her womb.

In the club scene, the world I move in, where everyone is measured by what they have, who they are associated with, or how they look, I realized that Mama is my one true friend. She accepts me for who I am, regardless of what I have become, who my friends are, or how I look like when I wake up with a bad hang over. I do not know if all mothers are like mine, or if they are supposed to be, but mine is, and to me, that is enough. As I washed the emptied plate, I had this gut-wrenching feeling, and my eyes began to well up. I started thinking about me, and for the first time, in a very long time, I was sorry for the way I have been living my life.

I was sorry for all the hurt I caused her, for all those sleepless nights she spent worrying where I could be. I was sorry that I could not force myself to finish Law School for the sole reason that it would make her proud. I was sorry for all those mornings when I came home drunk. I was sorry that I never bothered to reply to her when she texted me that I had dinner waiting at home. I was sorry that I was never the perfect son, and I never even tried to be. I was sincerely sorry, I was sorry with every part of me, but it doesn't matter now. When she wakes up tomorrow and finds that I had eaten the food she prepared just for me, I would make her feel, for the first time in a long time, the way sons should make their Mamas feel: needed, appreciated, and loved. And when she sees that clean plate, my Mama will have forgiven me... she always, always does.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

my gawd zhaun! teary eyed ako when i finishd reading it... pati ako napa isip tuloy! grr!kainis!haha!
u write so good.. (clap)
keep it up!=)

-diane

boydahon said...

napa isip rin ako. eldest kasi and also, I go home late from work and barely have time to talk to her.

It's moments like this that we realize the value of the people around us.

rainendwine said...

salamat! I'll be waiting reading your posts after I finish some work sa office. till then. :)

Nobe said...

aaaawww. sweeet! :)

always,

nobe

www.deariago.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Ooohh.....I can relate to this situations....
And thinking of what i done before..
Because im a bastard son to my mother..Pero as now mature na me..
So i realized my faults..
I need to be responsible now and make my mother happy in her remaining life.....
I love you mom...

Anonymous said...

My GOODNESS.... its an EYE OPENER para sa mga nakakalimot sa kanilang mga INA....and ZHAUN its very well written,keep it up

my both hands are UP for your work

- jonn ( soulful1 )

Anonymous said...

hahaha na paisip din tuloy ako...it just so funny that we the "feeling" independent son/daughter doesn't show and tell our real feelings to our parents. kaya mga sis and bro lets be reminded life is short lets show our feelings to our parents. inform them today how happy and thanksful we are having them in our life. Which i myself is gona do too...

AJAH!! AJAH!!

Anonymous said...

my goodness! Pwede maulaw mommy?? hehehehe!

I cant express how I feel right now!

Thanks Zhaun! you just opened my eyes... right when i needed the most! just now after all these years of trying to prove that i'm somebody.. wow...

- k.b

koros said...

nice article ^_^ be a good son to ur mom ^_^

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh zhaun!!! I always knw you have that emotional side of yours... sweet, tender, loving... hayyy... i really like what you wrote. I didn't expect it, pero nkaluha jud ko... ano vah yan...
You're such a sweet son... and i know mom knows that. Gahi lang jud ulo minsan noh...ahihihihi! peace!

Anonymous said...

tang ina zhaun!
i should have read this when i wasn't drunk, or else iba siguro ang effect! i wouldn't bee feeling teary eyed if i read this and i'm sober.

tongue in! but ahlavet anyway...

->vixen (soon to be Vixen Kranoxxis)

Anonymous said...

galing2x! thumbs up! lalim.. na realize ko din na khit nga2lit ako sa mama ko dhil nde ako minsan pinapayagan mag night life, mahal ko pa rin xa. haha. nice!! :D
-drinking buddy mo sa plurk :P hahaha.

Maxster said...

Well, I learned something about my mom, especially during the times I was into so much partying. There were even times I really hit rock bottom, mentally and spiritually after over partying for many years. My mom never got tired of caring for me no matter whatever things I got involved with in the past. I really felt her love over the years. Now, being a retired partyphile, life is now quieter for me. I do ordinary things na lang unlike before. But I never thought that I would ever have the guts to stop partying and be all right with it. hehehe.

TedWahler said...

Great post. Very powerfully written and a great topic. We all resonate with the hope that our Mother knows how much we care for and appreciate her.

As we break free of the apron strings we start to create our own lives - which is normal and natural. Our Parents pray for us to grow up happy and healthy as fully realized adults. Breaking free and creating our own separate identities is part of that process and in no way means that we have forgotten our past.

The best way to honor the dedicated service that our Parents provided us as they nurtured us in our early years is to become the best people and citizens we can become. That is not to say don't forget to pause and give your earnest thanks to them at every opportunity.

Salamat po, important post.

Be well.

Anonymous said...

nice ;)
sweeet kaau ya :))


bcag unsa ka hard headed ang mga anak kay dawat gihapon sa ilang mga mama.sabton gihapon... well, tinuod ni ya. agree ko diri sa imung gipost :D

sonybhoi said...

this is one of the nicest and most relevant posts ive ever read...

tinamaan aq dun... itz juz so sad to note that i, myself, is guilty of this crime...

im kinda speechless... wheeew

swexie said...

i hope ur mom reads this.. (--,)

ian said...

nakakaiyak naman...

very good article!

ouch! tinamaan ako.

Gino J said...

this is just so sweet, very real, and very affectionate.

it was indeed moving.

Meldrick Gualta said...

reading this almost makes me weep. :)
I always applaud people who are never ashamed to admit their love for their parents.

While inevitably, there are days that we turn out to be a big disappointment, at the end of the day it is our happiness that matters to them. So stay carefree .You may have failed to finish Law school, but for sure seeing you enthralled with your own craft, gleeful with your own ways is more than enough to make them proud.

Good job :)