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Monday, October 13, 2008

Lonely Partyphile

It was a cold monday night .

i had arrived home, fresh from an exam on criminal law.

i had just eaten my dinner.

i had a piece of baby back ribs, 3 donuts, a cheese cupcake and some cadbury hot chocolate.

this was a typical dinner for me.

less meat, no rice, a lot of dessert.

i took a shower. i adjusted the water.

i always shower with warm water.

i put on my boxers and a huge shirt that had a big hole at the seems. this was my comfort wear.

i should have felt comfortable, smoking my last cigarette for the evening.

but as i was smoking the last puff i realized that i was doing nothing. i was just staring at nothingness. i was staring blankly into space.

once again i found myself thinking too much.

tonight, i should be comfortable.

i should feel at ease.

i had just finished an exam, i have only two more exams to go and about two weeks before my last exam. i had only 4 days in actual class.

i had only four days left in law school.

i had only four days left to spend with my friends.

and even though i should have been comfortable that evening, the truth that i had just four days with my classmates bothered me.

and it bothered me too much.

i did not enjoy my stay in law school. i guess, it was just not my calling.

nobody ever expected me to finish law school anyway. everybody thought i was too carefree to follow everything that law school required me too. everybody thought i did not have the brains for law school, or if i did, i didnt have the attitude for it. everybody thought that i was just wasting my tim and money, they thought that once again, i wa being the little brat that everybody knew me to be.

and you know what? after five months in law school...i

have proved that.....

... everybody was right.

i did not have what it took to finish law school. my guts spat it out. i couldnt take all the constrictions, all the rules and the prohibitions. somehow, i never felt that i could truly express myself in law school.and that made me restless. it made me search for my true passions. i guess i entered law school to prove to everybody that i COULD do it.

i got one of the highest (if not the highest score in the entrance exams). i got a score of 98%. i got a perfect mark on the second part of the exam. i took a separate IQ test which told me i could be a lawyer.

and somehow, this convinced me that i had what it took to finish law school. but i soon discovered that law took more than jut practical knowledge. although i may have had the capacities to finish law, i never had the heart to do so.but now that im quitting; i have given my naysayers another reason to see me negatively.

but i dont care right now. that has ceased to be important to me. what matters to me now, the reason for my deep pondering, the reason why i am, again, staring blankly into space is my friends. the friends i have made in law school

and although i have never showed them how much i cared for them, i really ,really do. i care for most of them; even the people who i do not really talk to.

they are all really fun and they are all nice to be with and i appreciate the fact that they respect my individualism and that that they are really welcoming and approachable and that they really do not compete with each other. these people are really a ciommunity. of course there are certain groups/cliques/barkadas, but nobody in the class has acted negatively towards me. i truly believe that none of them dislike me...and if they do..they better keep mum about it

argh..once again im typing too much, its sounding pointless...

what i wanna say is

i will miss my friends..i will miss them in a magnitude they probabaly do not understand. after all, the only thing they are gonna lose is me. i, on the other hand, will lose a whole class of wonderful people..

i will miss them. i will miss their smiles. i will miss the laughter. i will miss it all.

i hope that after im gone, they learn to appreciate each other more, and appreciate the moments they have together. i will never have those moments with them again. so i hope they learn to appreciate what il never have

confessions #15

i think il shed a tear after our last exams. i do not know why, but these people are close to my heart.

its probabaly true what they say: that people who are with you in times of trouble and hardship will always remain close to ur heart

and thast was what law school has been for me. a constant struggle. and im glad that i had some of the most wonderful people to share it with.

so even though i try to act cool all the time, and try to look like i never care; i'd risk it one time. il cry my heart out when i finally leave my classmates who have become more than classmates...they have become friends.