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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Not-So-Good Byes

i have exactly 23 more days left in law schol, and i dont feel the way i thought i would. i mean, a couple of months ago, i thought law school was bringing me down. it was keeping me too busy to enjoy life and smell the roses. but now that it is about to end, i think i feel strange about it all... i even feel a little sad

i have managaed to make friends in law school. i am not overly close to ayone, five months is too short a time to truly get to know one individual. i do not know who these people really are, i do not know what makes them uberly happy, i do not know what makes them sad. i do not know what ticks them off, and i do not know what motivates them. i do not know all about them, and i do not know why. maybe they have not given me enough attention or information, maybe they did not befriend me enough, they did not reach out to me. or maybe i was being too self obsessed to care. maybe i did not give them the time of day, i did not get out of my way to get to know them. but right now, i does not matter who they are, where they're from, what they are made of. right now, what matters to me is that i am comfortable enough with them, to start calling them my friends. and this is exactly the reason why i am feeling a little down-hearted and sad.

i am not sad because im letting go of my dream of becoming a lawyer. for the most part, im sad because im leaving a bunch of wonderful people behind. i mean, i would like to think i have made a connection with my classmates, a connection that would not be severed just by the fact that i decided to quit law school ahead of them. haha..

i hope that in the near future, when they had just finished an exam, and they are bombarded with projects upon projects and reading materials galore, they would stop and enjoy the moment they have with each other and start to truly appreciate each other, not just as classmates, but as friends. i hope they take time to bond with each other and create moments that only law students would appreciate. the moments i may never have with them again.

i never expected that i would feel this way towards my classmates. i went to law school, not looking for friends... i did not want to get hurt again. i always suffer from separation anxiety. i was never good at good byes. and now, that it seems like i have left my friends hanging (because this time, instead of all of us closing a chapter of our lives, i was the only one leaving) i do not know how to deal with it.

i have always prided myself with the knowledge that i was jaded, numb, or as i always say, "emotionless". but that is not always true. in times where i would have to leave good people, good conversation, crazy times, and wonderful memories behind, i always feel lonely.

more importantly, i feel sad because i did not take time to get to know each and every one of my classmates. well, of course i know of them, but the sad truth is, when i step out of those classroom doors for the last time, i am not sure i would get invited back in, by my classmates. i am not sure if they would still text me when they are planning a night out. i am not sure if they would still invite me when to go out to drink late at night. i am not sure if they would still remember me, or if i had truly made a mark on them for the few months that i was with them.

there are a lot of things i am not sure of, i am uncertain about my life after law school. i do not know where im headed, i do not know what i will be doing, or if my plans will push thru. all i know is, every single day i spent in law school was not a waste... because in the course of looking for cases, reading hundreds of pages, preparing for exams, understanding concpets of the legal profession and relentless drama with our terror teachers i had found real friends. friends who accpeted me even before truly knowing who i was. all they know about me is that i was always chillaxing, partying, drinking and was always willing to befriend another person...and that was enough information for them to consider me a friend. and for that... i am eternally grateful.

confession # 13
with all the confusion surrounding my premature departure from law school; i do not know where im going, i do not know where i will be when these people i call my friends have become full fledged lawyers.

all i know is, in the future, when they have already been accepted as members of the integrated bar, it would not matter where i see them, whoever they have become, whatever the circumstances are, i will (and you can take my word for it) come up to them and greet them, just like old buddies do.

and i shall be proud that once upon a time, this great lawyer standing before me, thought i was important enough to talk to. i shall be proud that a person i used to call "friend" is now a lawyer. and i shall tell him/her how much i have missed him/her... because i would surely miss my classmates...


i already do...