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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sad Hellos

goodbye is a common word we throw around a couple of times everyday, not really meaning it. we use it to end chatting or texting sessions, we use it to end conversations, we use it instead of "see you later", we use it without ever really thinking about how special a word it is.

but in those significant moments in your life when you say goodbye, and really mean it; when you say it and deeply, truly believe it with every part of your being, it becomes one of the most significant words in your life. for me, it became the theme of my day.

i should know.

i just came home from the ateneo; i had an exam earlier, and i finished it pretty early (at around 3:30). but i stayed there until 6 pm. somehow, the fact that i was staying in campus was comforting to me, that way i did not really have to face the reality that i will never bcome a student of the ateno again.

nope. i did not graduate. this just happened to be the last day of my journey as a law student. and as i was sharing my last cigarette as a law student with my good friend lara, i realized that maybe, i did not have to say goodbye. but its too late for maybes now. i have made my decision.

when i decided to stop law school, i never thought of the gravity of that decision. i thought i was elaving behind all those late nights studying for an exam, all those lectures that seemed to drag on until forever, and all those terms that i never understood.

but reality struck as i was sitting there, all alone, on the stairs leading to the roxas gate. and it was poetic. i was sitting on the stairs and had my back turned to the ateneo. and this was exactly what was happening in my life right now.

i was leaving, no... i had eft the ateneo. the institution where i discovered my talents in singing, writing, and my most special talent--connecting with people. it was in this institution where i built my dreams, this is where i realized the joys of drinking and merry-making after difficult exams. this is where i made real friends, in the mature sense of the word.

i was not leaving the hardships that came with law school, i was leaving my life as a student, and as a depressing bonus... i was leaving my friends behind as well...

earlier today, i said y goodbyes to my classmates. some, like aminah and jars, i talked to, i mean, really talked to, for the first time since the start of the sem. and i realised that aminah and i share the same passion in house music. but then i said good bye to them for the very last time. it was ironic. i hated myself for not getting to know them better. after i had ended my first real conversation with them, i said goodbye, knowing that that was the last time i was going to talk to them.

and then there was dats. my other classmates and i will be going out ater tonight to drink. that will be my last goodbye with thyem as well. however, dats could not come, and he had a good reason why. while i was watching him, while he was walking to the nearest gate (to go home), i felt a twitch in my stomach. i wanted to get to know him more. he seemed interesting, and we shared a lot of the same opinions, and i just like people who can laugh at anything. and so... my final goodbye to him was never was spent watching him leave the campus.

braggy, could not come because of prior engagements. like dats, my final goodbye to her was her image walking towards roxas gate. she does not know this, but i was looking at her until she reached the gate, almost whispering the faintest goodbye in my mind.

and then there were still some of my classmates i had not even talked to yet. that was the saddest part of all. what im trying to say is that im going to miss these people, not because i was sooo close with them, not because i had shared with them everything about me, not because they were my bestfriends, but because they weren't.

what made me sad was the fact that i was leaving some of the most interesting people behind, without really knowing them. without really getting closer to them, without really having a chance to tell them about my life, without really knowing if we could be bestfriends given a couple more years together.

and the uncetrtainty of it all... that made my goodbyes even sadder

confession #21

yes. everyone says that goodbye is a sad word...but the truth is, when i said my "hellos" to my classmates this afternoon... it truly felt sadder than goodbye...because once again, i was getting a taste of something i know, i will ultimately never have.