Sad Hellos

goodbye is a common word we throw around a couple of times everyday, not really meaning it. we use it to end chatting or texting sessions, we use it to end conversations, we use it instead of "see you later", we use it without ever really thinking about how special a word it is.

but in those significant moments in your life when you say goodbye, and really mean it; when you say it and deeply, truly believe it with every part of your being, it becomes one of the most significant words in your life. for me, it became the theme of my day.

i should know.



i just came home from the ateneo; i had an exam earlier, and i finished it pretty early (at around 3:30). but i stayed there until 6 pm. somehow, the fact that i was staying in campus was comforting to me, that way i did not really have to face the reality that i will never bcome a student of the ateno again.

nope. i did not graduate. this just happened to be the last day of my journey as a law student. and as i was sharing my last cigarette as a law student with my good friend lara, i realized that maybe, i did not have to say goodbye. but its too late for maybes now. i have made my decision.

when i decided to stop law school, i never thought of the gravity of that decision. i thought i was elaving behind all those late nights studying for an exam, all those lectures that seemed to drag on until forever, and all those terms that i never understood.

but reality struck as i was sitting there, all alone, on the stairs leading to the roxas gate. and it was poetic. i was sitting on the stairs and had my back turned to the ateneo. and this was exactly what was happening in my life right now.

i was leaving, no... i had eft the ateneo. the institution where i discovered my talents in singing, writing, and my most special talent--connecting with people. it was in this institution where i built my dreams, this is where i realized the joys of drinking and merry-making after difficult exams. this is where i made real friends, in the mature sense of the word.

i was not leaving the hardships that came with law school, i was leaving my life as a student, and as a depressing bonus... i was leaving my friends behind as well...

earlier today, i said y goodbyes to my classmates. some, like aminah and jars, i talked to, i mean, really talked to, for the first time since the start of the sem. and i realised that aminah and i share the same passion in house music. but then i said good bye to them for the very last time. it was ironic. i hated myself for not getting to know them better. after i had ended my first real conversation with them, i said goodbye, knowing that that was the last time i was going to talk to them.

and then there was dats. my other classmates and i will be going out ater tonight to drink. that will be my last goodbye with thyem as well. however, dats could not come, and he had a good reason why. while i was watching him, while he was walking to the nearest gate (to go home), i felt a twitch in my stomach. i wanted to get to know him more. he seemed interesting, and we shared a lot of the same opinions, and i just like people who can laugh at anything. and so... my final goodbye to him was never said...it was spent watching him leave the campus.

braggy, could not come because of prior engagements. like dats, my final goodbye to her was her image walking towards roxas gate. she does not know this, but i was looking at her until she reached the gate, almost whispering the faintest goodbye in my mind.

and then there were still some of my classmates i had not even talked to yet. that was the saddest part of all. what im trying to say is that im going to miss these people, not because i was sooo close with them, not because i had shared with them everything about me, not because they were my bestfriends, but because they weren't.

what made me sad was the fact that i was leaving some of the most interesting people behind, without really knowing them. without really getting closer to them, without really having a chance to tell them about my life, without really knowing if we could be bestfriends given a couple more years together.

and the uncetrtainty of it all... that made my goodbyes even sadder



confession #21



yes. everyone says that goodbye is a sad word...but the truth is, when i said my "hellos" to my classmates this afternoon... it truly felt sadder than goodbye...because once again, i was getting a taste of something i know, i will ultimately never have.



:c

Holy Shit..what a bomb

alright. so my boss has just replied to my query about my status. as you know, i want to be a full time writer...

well he says its a negative...

so...surprise surprise mr zhaun ortega! its time to look for another job!

confession #20

now im scared. i dont have a job, and i dont have law school. i have no where to go. scare-dom here i come!

but then..whenever a door closes....a window opens, right?

basta..i need to be optimistic for my sanity ...

even if its not cool

i wanna get mad. im mad. but i have no reason to be

Almost The Tunnel's End

My journey as a law student is coming to a close. Later tonight, we will have our last formal review with our terror teacher (who seems to be nicer these days) and i do not know how to handle things.

Last nighht, i lay in bed and i was scared. I have never felt so much emotion and it bothered me. I almost wanted to cry, and that is a pretty big deal for someone who does not even cry at funerals. i imagined my life after law school; what is there to do? my boss still has not decided or even akcnowledged the question of my status as a writer. i want to be a full-time web-content writer but everytime i ask him if i could work full-time, he simply does not reply. this is stressing me out soooo much. i do not know if i need to look for another job, oir hope that my boss will finally make me a full-time writer. this is frustrating.

of course, there is always singing. i will soon have regular gigs scattered throughout the week, and i guess this will keep me busy. but this is also somewhat a distraction. if i did not love to sing, i could accpet any job that comes my way. however, because i am now a regular performer in one of the local establishments, my choices for possible jobs are limited.

and then i remembered that this is exactly the reason why i tried law school out. because life outside the academe is so unpredictable, i did not any control over anything that happened, is happening, or will happen with my professional life. so now im thinking of going back to law school, just to avoid this uncertainty. but i tell myself i must not. i wil not be as weak as i was last june.

i will follow my dreams this time. unfortunately, i do not know whjat those dreams are yet, but i will, somehow, reach them...

confession #19

although it is very tempting to go back to law school and be a student again, becoming a lawyer has to be a dream of mine.

Partying--Davao Style (2007 article)

Published BUGS Newspaper, 2007

Here’s the deal. You are an average student. You enjoy partying more than school (duh!). You know Davao like the back of your hand. In a sense, you are me.

You’re drowning in projects, and you’re stressed like shit. You need to enjoy. Tonight, just like every other Saturday night, you’ve set out a plan. You have gathered all your closest friends and you’ve donned your fabulous gimmick outfit and you’re ready to live it up. This is your itinerary.

First, you go to the Venue Compound-- the safe haven for the “older” crowd. You choose to visit the Venue Compound first because it’s pretty peaceful, they open earlier than other party places and there are a lot of interesting establishments (KTV Bars, Restos, Coffee shops etc) in the area. You enjoy a scrumptious Korean Meal at Ab Gu Jung and then get your fill of local comedy at Laugh Tough while drinking the cheapest beer in town at twenty pesos a bottle. You decide to pass on the Venue bar, a huge two story building with an in-house coffee shop, a massive dance floor and a live band. The Venue bar used to be the biggest in the country, but now that your friends’ parents are regulars, you only visit the bar when Manila-based artists hold concerts there.

You then transfer to Bacbac at F. Torres Street. You order some ice-cold, brain-freeze inducing, frost-encrusted frozen beer. You urge your friends who haven’t tried it to give it a taste. The beer in itself is an experience. You remind your self that this is the only way to drink beer. You enjoy seeing all your other friends and schoolmates here. Like you, they prefer to get their fill of booze and grilled fare here before moving to the Wheels and More Drive Compound.

When you get to Wheels and More Drive you suddenly feel like you’re under-dressed. You shrug it off. You remind yourself that Davaoenos just don’t care. You survey the bars. You choose from Brugger’s Café (they serve great pizzas), Hypnotiq (posh interiors and a billiard table) and Urban Club (the current crowd favorite).

You decide to go to Urban Club. You pay a hundred bucks to get in. They give you a stub for two free drinks. You take notice of the music. The DJ is serving up great music tonight, as always. You approach the bar to claim your drinks. You appreciate the crowd of students and yuppies. You realize this is where all of gorgeous Davao has been hiding. The DJ has stopped mixing some tunes. There is now a live band that plays house music. They are great. You go out to get some air and again scout the premises. Yes. This is where all the cool people go.

You check the time and realize it is three in the morning. You transfer to Rizal Promenade and get inside 183. They have stopped asking for an entrance fee since it is beyond three in the morning. You step inside and realize the whole bar has transformed into a dance floor. Someone grabs your ass from behind. You turn around and remember that this is the favorite cruising spot among the gay crowd. Also, there are a lot of foreigners and non-locals. You dance a little until you realize you are too sleepy. You regret not hooking up with that cutie in Urban Club.

As you lay in bed (after puking your guts out) you plan out next week’s schedule. You are too drunk to function. You turn the television off. You remember you have a project due on Monday. This Saturday was uneventful. You have to check out some other bar next week. You still regret not hooking up with that cutie in Urban Club.

Has The Pinoy Become Too Wild?

Let’s talk about sex.

It used to be; when somebody mentioned this word people would get shocked… then cold silence would fill the room.

Nowadays, it’s as common as pornography along the city streets. Which leads me to ask: “has the Pinoy become too wild?”

Last night, I was strolling in the mall when I chanced upon a man who was trying to buy a magazine. Beads of sweat were rolling down his forehead while he was trying to explain to the saleslady what he wanted to purchase. “Eyf-ech-em” he said. “Huh? What do you want to buy?” “Eyf-ech-em” he repeated, as if the saleslady should have known what he meant. “Ah! FHM! The saleslady shouted.” Upon hearing that, everybody turned his or her head to see whom this perverted person was. The next thing I knew, he was pretending to be criticizing the magazine.

Obviously, he was embarrassed…and rightfully so!

How would you expect a man who couldn’t even pronounce three letters to actually read a magazine?

Then I decided to relax…and see a movie. Out of the six titles, I had chosen to watch “Unfaithful”. While waiting in line, I saw a female friend and invited her to watch the movie with me. She declined and even felt insulted.

At first I thought she hated me, or was afraid that I’d do something with her while inside the cinema, so she explained to me that she was just too innocent to watch an R-18 flick. Disappointed, I decided to call my personal pilot to fetch me. Unfortunately, I had no cell phone load, so I borrowed her phone.

While I was calling my pilot, a sex video popped out of her phone’s screen. My friend pulled her phone away from me but embarrassedly admitted that she had 100,734 sex videos stored in her phone. I was appalled! She was too innocent to watch unfaithful, but kept 100,734 sex videos in her phone? No wonder all her fingers were red and swollen...

your fingers would get swollen too, if you had to scroll down 100,734 entries, right?

I also know of a friend who frequents whorehouses, but is too shy to tell a pharmacist that he needs condoms; a lady who pretends to be a virgin to seem innocent; and a cousin who has never had sex with her boyfriend, but has enjoyed the anonymity of one-night stands.

What I’m trying to say is, Filipinos want to seem innocent when every one of us has watched pornography, read an adult magazine, or has done something sexual. We want to sustain that conservative persona, while having secret sexual lives. However YOU can do something about it.

You can decide to be yourself and present yourself in all your erotic glory, or live a prudish life. You can decide to project a virginal image, or actually BE that image. You can decide to courageously share with us the beauty of your libido, or keep it to yourself. You can decide. YOU can decide.

It doesn’t matter what decision you make, or if you’re wild or not, just be yourself and have the courage to show everyone who you truly are.

confession #19

Maybe in time, the Filipino society, would muster enough courage to show the world that indeed the Pinoy has become too wild…

BUT this time be damn proud about it.

Open Mic: A very Happy Ending

Last night i had my very first gig at Eat Pescado. As always, i was with my band walnut Avenue (Solcyn, Louie and Piox). It was not actually a full blown gig, but an audition. we wanted to perform there weekly so we had to audition for it. We sang just on eset but i think we did alright. my friends even say i did great. i probabaly had about 50 friends there.. not that i invited everyone, some just happened to be there. and i think it served me well. the crowd rooted for us and i used that energy to improve my performance.

so the sound system was less than great and the microphone and even the mic stand were awful. i still thought my performance was ok. although the "technical difficulties" distracted me i didnt distract me as much as it would have a couple of years ago..

it may not show, but when i started singing was sooo shy, and i did not even have the courage to lety my voice out. so yeah, confidence really plays a big part when singing.

confession #18

probabaly the reason why i was so happy to perform last night was that my friends were there to support me.

there was jervy and his friends... i truly appreciated that jervy came even though he wass l;ate. he never drinks and very seldomly goes to torres

ezza- who was dead tired from the farm but still amde an effort to be there

nikka, kae kae, marian, byu- who went there for the sole reason of supporting me

dino, job- who had stopped drinking for a while but pulled through for me

monet-who was cash-less but still chose to go to tores just to catch me

adrian- who cannot be exposed to smoke because of his medical condition, but decided to commit suicide just to watch me perform

mernill-who im sure does not go to torres that often, but was there nonetheless

lara- who skipped a wedding just to be tehre for me

chooy and his dad- he had promised me before that he would come..and this time he did...and it seems he enjoyed it

braggy- who doesnt really 'do' the torres scene, but was there for me and only me

faith-who was supposed to go home to tagum, but decided to stay here so she could watch me perform (btw she has a great voice too. better than mine, actually)

julius- who was supposed to go home as well to pack his belongings for a samal trip today

ten ten- who ahd texted everyone, reminding them that i was having a gig

suzette and her bf- who always eem to be there when ever i invite them to watch my gig

leslie- who surprised em with her attendance..we did not even talk much, yet there she was to support me.

and to all the rest of my friends who came despite of the rain

yes. this was a great ending for my law school experience

What a Boy Wants: A Guide To Surviving the Sem-Break

Published Edge Davao Business Weekly

It is officially the start of the semestral break. All you college boys have been looking forward to this fateful day, and you have made a million and one plans. Somehow, none of your plans push thru and you are left sitting all alone at home, with nothing to do but to lay in front of your TV. You can’t text your friends because your parents have stopped giving you your allowance and you can’t call your friends on the phone because that isn’t really cool anymore. So right now, all you want to do is get back to school and start doing something again. But before you allow boredom to turn you into a nerd, take some of my suggestions for fun activities you can do for the sem-break. So gather all your guy friends and get ready for some male bonding.

1. Gimmick Night- You should have expected this. My column would not be called “Confessions of a Partyphile” if I did not really enjoy parties. Go out on an all out, no holds barred gimmick night. But, if most of your friends are swingles (single and willing to mingle) mix it up. Tell your male friends to bring one single female friend and vice versa. That way, everyone will be paired up, and if you don’t see anyone you fancy, at least you’ll have a female friend in tow.

2. Paintball- Try paintball. Although I can’t say that it is pain free (I’ve been hit a couple of times in parts of my body I’d rather keep private), it is a lot of fun and is very exciting. Also, this will give you and your friends a different kind of bonding experience.


3. Plan a Road trip- Tired of all the beaches in Davao? Go on a road trip to wherever your money takes you! You can go as far as Cagayan de Oro and check out the night life there, or you could go somewhere closer like Tagum or even just Toril. What’s important is you bring some good music, good food, good moods and great friends!

4. Zip line- Try the longest zip line in the Philippines at Camp Sabros. I heard it’s really exciting and the price is not that bad either. Make sure though that every one is in the mood for a long hike. You have to walk quite a bit to get there.


5. White Water Rafting- This is a really fun activity, and will probably add some notches in your cool meter. Post your pictures in Friendster or Multiply, and they are sure to garner a lot of comments. Now doesn’t that sound good?

6. Scale the Mountain- Come on. You aren’t a true Davaoeño unless you’ve scaled the heights of the highest peak in the Philippines-Mt. Apo. If it’s your first time to climb a mountain, you will find that it is a very rewarding experience. Just remember to bring thick socks and an even thicker jacket.

7. Stay Indoors- Stay indoors and have a DVD marathon. Gather all your friends for some male bonding over a movie and some pop-corn. Try guy flicks such as Fight Club and Rocky or rent some comedies like American Pie or Austin Powers. Want more laughs? Try the Jackass series and gross yourselves out.

Always remember guys: It does not matter what you do, how much you spend or where you go; what matters is that you made time to bond with your friends outside the confines of school. Also, give yourself a favor and enjoy the fact that you are doing nothing. After all, a real partyphile always knows when to sit back, relax and smell the roses.

Partyphile's Halloween

Published in edge Davao Business Weekly

Halloween has never really been that popular in the city. It is often overlooked because people are often too busy preparing for All Saints Days and All Souls Day. However, for a true partyphile, it is the perfect excuse to gather a bunch of friends and throw a chic party. Here are some tips on how to host a cool, non-cliché, but equally fun Halloween party for adults.

Food and Drinks

Obviously those monster cookies are used too much in Halloween parties to compensate for the host’s lack of creativity. However, there are a lot of great ideas for adult Halloween parties that are not too tongue-in-cheek. Here are some of my favorites:

Muddy Worms- Buy extra large frosted cupcakes or a birthday cake and simply top them with crushed chocolate cookies (so they look like dirt) and then top them with gummy worms. This is an inexpensive way to give your desert a festive look.
Gooey Slime Punch- Make some lemonade and then dye it green with food coloring. You could add pieces of green gelatin to add to the slimy effect. Of course, you could add soda or champagne to make it even more festive and bubbly.
Floating Hands- This is something to put inside your punch bowl, or in the middle of your Gooey Slime Punch. Simply fill some rubber gloves with water and then tie a secure knot at the end. After freezing, peel off the glove and watch your icy hand float in the middle of your punch bowl.
Jello Shots- Who does not love jello shots? Simply prepare black and orange jello as instructed in the package, and then right before placing them in little shot glasses, mix in about a cup of vodka.
Frozen Insects- If you are serving drinks with ice cubes, it might be a good idea to fill those ice trays with plastic insects before [putting water and freezing them. Not so sure about putting plastic stuff in your drinks? Raisins will work as well. They look creepy (all crunched up and black) but they are edible.
Candies by the Door- No matter how old your guests are they will surely appreciate treats by the door. So fill a huge bowl with candies from your childhood like Tarzan gum or Tootsie Rolls. Mix them up with some Halloween inspired goodies as well.
Pitch In- Ask your friends to bring their own spooky treats and food. Waiting for the food is equally as exciting as waiting for your friends to arrive. Get ready for some unusual treats. Need some tips? Make a squid pasta. The ink in the squid gives it a dark black sauce, plus, it tastes great.

Dressing Up

Not everyone is comfortable with dressing up for a Halloween party, especially when your guests are adults. However, this really adds an element of fun in your party. Remember: costumes do not have to be scary to be fun. Here are other options:

Hats Off- If your friends are the type who would not want to dress up for Halloween, change the rules. You could require them to wear hats only. You could always take it off once you feel silly about it.
Coupled- You could also require your guests to dress up as couples. This would make some guests feel more comfortable with what they have on when they have someone else to share the embarrassment with.
Era- You could also suggest costumes form a particular era like the 60s, 50s or 70s.

Setting the Mood

The most important part for the success of a Halloween party is the atmosphere of the venue. You should consider decorating your place to give it a different look. This adds to the novelty of the occasion.

Mood Lighting- You could cover your light bulbs with blue or red plastic cellophane to give it an eerie look. If you want to go the extra mile, use black lights and then scatter some glow in the dark insect around the house.
Not-So-Comforting Room- Bathrooms are probably the most overlooked part of the house when decorating for an occasion. Fill yours with candles and glow in the dark insects or skeletons.
Centerpiece- Need a centerpiece? Simply place orange and black Christmas balls inside a fish bowl. This looks festive but still sophisticated and chic.
Music- Remember that music is a very effective way to affect the mood of any crowd. If you are throwing an 80s party, you might want to play some “Thriller” or the theme from “Ghostbusters”. If you are more of a modern crowd, you might want to play “Sex, Drugs and House” (which features the voice of a spooky Devil) and Tracks from Infected Mushrooms. You could also try playing songs from those Gregorian Monks; they always seem to creep me out.
Scary Movie Marathon- This is not only fun, it will keep some of your shy friends pre-occupied so you won’t have to sweat entertaining them. The Exorcist is always a sure bet, also try new favorites like The Grudge and The Eye.

Remember: Careful panning is the key for any successful party. Prepare as much as you can before the actual party so you could relax during the party and attend to your guests instead of stressing about the food, the decors and the music. So invite those friends, think of a theme for your party and prepare a handful of ghost stories. Get ready for a wonderful Halloween party little partyphile!

Coffee For Peace

Published in You Magazine, Nove-Dec issue

Imagine yourself witnessing an armed war between the Philippine Military and the MILF. They all seem tired, parched and hungry. You watch these men as they run through the forest. They seem to be heading somewhere to take solace. You see them enter a house, leaving their weapons outside. As you peek thru the window, you are amazed. The military men and the MILF soldiers are sitting side by side, talking over a cup of coffee. You wonder who can be so kind as to risk their lives in the middle of war just to help these poor soldiers and rebels. Well, the answer is the peace builders. And this was the start of Coffee for Peace.

Yes. Coffee for Peace (or C4P) is not just another coffee shop. It has a pretty interesting back story behind it. Located along MacArthur Hiway in Matina, right smack in the middle of Davao City, C4P has a lot of different advocacies.

For one, they try to help build peace among Mindanaoans. Their ultimate goal is for the Bangsamoro people, the migrants (basically, most of the Christian community) and the Lumads (indigenous people from Mindanao) to start building a healthier relationship between themselves. They strive for peace, and hope that one day, these three “tribes” may see each other eye to eye and start acknowledging each other’s presence and importance. For this purpose, part of Coffee for Peace’s income goes to PAR (Peace and Reconciliation) Teams who are being trained to be agents of peace in Mindanao.

Coffee for Peace also gets their coffee from B’laans. B’laans are indigenous people from Mount Matutum in South Cotabato. C4P purchases raw coffee from these B’laans at a fair price, that is, at a price that these Lumads want to get in return for their hard work.

Coffee for Peace is also friendly to our environment. They support the natural and traditional way of coffee farming, and they even have a solar-powered air conditioning system.

They also sell products like fudge bars from women who want to earn extra income and beautiful cloths hand-woven by women from Maguindanao. Also, scattered around the shop are products made by different Lumad tribes that are both interesting and useful.

Obviously, C4P, unlike most coffee shops in other key cities in the country, is not main stream. It is unconventional, not commercial. Coffee for Peace is like food for the soul. Their story warms the heart and the ambience feeds the artist in everyone. Their interiors are interesting; they seem to take you back to your native roots while managing to remain current. Their innovative furnishings (a basket for catching fish, repurposed as a lamp? Pure genius!) and wonderful use of native products make the place interesting and quirky.

Their menu is simple, no none-sense. But that does not mean that it’s boring. One of their best sellers, the Cifra ala Mode is a cool mix of citrus, coffee and cool fun. This one-of-a-kind creation by head barista, Ibrahim Balone, won as the best Cold Espresso Concoction in last year’s NCCC Culinary Festival. And it truly deserves the title. It is just simply unique and unexpected.

The best item in their menu, however, is their Civet coffee. You can not visit Coffee for Peace without trying their Civet coffee. Yes. Everybody has heard about this infamous cuppa. Civet coffee is the most expensive coffee in the world, and you can get it here, for just 160 pesos. Now isn’t that a deal! Civet coffee is the coffee drinker’s dream. It is aromatic, has less caffeine, has a full body, and goes down smooth. As an added bonus, they serve their civet coffee in a siphon, a contraption for steeping coffee. Watching the coffee move up and down as the siphon creates a vacuum is an experience by itself. Other must tries are their Beef Shpeherd’s Pie (they do not serve any pork dishes) their flower teas (they literally put flowers in a huge glass pot) and their tuna melt.
The quaint shop feels homey and un-intimidating, the staff is friendly and they just make you feel welcome. And that is what Coffee for Peace does best. Whether you are a student from nearby Ateneo de Davao, a coffee connoisseur, an artist, an ex-pat, a member of the military, the MILF, or maybe even, a budding journalist, you feel welcome in Coffee for Peace.

In this country where main stream coffee shop franchises that lack personality and depth reign supreme, this truly Filipino coffee shop goes against the grain and proves, once again, that the Filipino is the master of hospitality and truly great cuisine.

Did you know?

-Civet Cofee is made from Civet (or Alamid) feces! Yes. Civets eat coffee berries but they do not digest the coffee beans. B’laans look for Civet feces in caves around Mt. Matutum and clean them for roasting.
-Civet Coffee is the most expensive in the world selling between $120 and $600 USD per pound, we can buy it locally for around 11,000 Philippine Pesos.
-Coffee for Peace uses Arabica beans from South Cotabato and other parts of the Philippines
-Arabica beans are the best commercially grown species of coffee, with a very strong aroma and very minimal caffeine content (with 12 milligrams of caffeine per gram of dry coffee)

Taken Forgranted

last night, i enjoyed a YM conversation with one of my more sensible classmates. before this ym conversation, we did not really talk much, but i discovered in the course of our conversation that we had a lot in common.

however, one of our topics (which strangely ranged fromemotional distress to anime to porn) struck me. it was about being taken forgranted. and i realized, actually my friendf made me realize that this is something that a lot of people go through.

here is what i think about it:

i was in my friend's shoes a couple of years back. i felt like i was tken forgranted by people i held so close to my heart. and it truly creates a strain in the relationship.

but then after everything i had gone through, i realized that iwas not actually taken forgranted. i was actually expecting too much, and this was because i, too, was giving too mjuch

i did not just give my time to friends, i had invested my everything. i gave them my time, my money, my thoughts, my emotions. everything i had was theirs... and whenever they needed me i would be there for them in a heartbeat.

so you could just imagine how ad i felt when i was the one in need of some suppoert...and there was nobody there to comfort me..

and so, once again, the partyphile's world crashed. what i did was to cling to people who were, like me, partyphiles. so i did not have to invest in them wemotionally. i just needed to be the fun person i was pretending to be. but then i realized that gimik friends fremain friends up until you are in the club. after that, you are on your own. they arent friends, they are partypghiles.

so i grew up and i realized that i needed to face this problem. i was not going to be somebody who was going to be taken forgranted forever.

what i realized is that, i should not expect so much. i should not expect as much as i give. actually, i should not give that much. the key is to find people who appreciate whatever it is that i am capable of giving. because i would never again give everything to someone. that just makes me vulnerable

and that is how i turned out this way: jaded, bruised, toughened up and, numb.



confession #17:

after all that i have learned im still in doubt if the better decision is to give everything and risk being vulnerable or eing emotionallty absent and risk making true connections with people...

Actual Advice

friends message asking for advice:

ganito. may katxtmate me now na taga davao. he said na kami na daw. baby tawag nya sakin. he said that he likes me daw. and that he wants to be with me. we havent met each other yet. he wants to visit me here sa metro manila. but since he is unemployed, gusto nya, ako sasagot sa lahat ng gastos. if u were on my shoes, what will u do? would u spend for him? or what?


my advice:

haha...eeew..he sounds like a gold digger to me..
my advice is: dont ever think that a text relationship is serious.it never is.

because, once the clephone is tuerned off, you are excluded from his world...you cease to be part of everything he is about. when his sim is lost, suddenyl you are nothing but a memory. when his battery is low, you are nothing but something to look forward to. you are never a concrete human. your personality to him is tantamount to mere letters. meaningless messages. you are the answer to his desperate cry for companionship.

and if ever you decide to meet him, please dont ever spend anything on the guy! dinner or a movie is fine..but eeew..not plane fare and accomodations..

explain to him that you do not have extra cash on hand and that he needs to save up if he really wants to visit you. if he really loves you, he will use you as motivation to get a job and save up for that trip.

and do not expect him to be the same as he is in text. people are always different as who they try to project themselves to be in cyberlandia..

partyphile says: don't drop him just yet. enjoy what you get from this relationship. u must admit he is a good solution for boring hours. so dont get emotionally attached if that is his only purpose: to help you escape boredom.


confession #16

altrthough i find it totally baduy having a text mate...the idea that there is someone out there who does not REALLY know you, yet likes you enough for the sole reason that s/he likes ur personality seems romantic to me...

that way people like you, ultimately for who you are...and not just for the way you look, the stuff you have, or how much money you make...

Lonely Partyphile

It was a cold monday night .

i had arrived home, fresh from an exam on criminal law.

i had just eaten my dinner.

i had a piece of baby back ribs, 3 donuts, a cheese cupcake and some cadbury hot chocolate.

this was a typical dinner for me.

less meat, no rice, a lot of dessert.

i took a shower. i adjusted the water.

i always shower with warm water.

i put on my boxers and a huge shirt that had a big hole at the seems. this was my comfort wear.

i should have felt comfortable, smoking my last cigarette for the evening.

but as i was smoking the last puff i realized that i was doing nothing. i was just staring at nothingness. i was staring blankly into space.

once again i found myself thinking too much.

tonight, i should be comfortable.

i should feel at ease.

i had just finished an exam, i have only two more exams to go and about two weeks before my last exam. i had only 4 days in actual class.

i had only four days left in law school.

i had only four days left to spend with my friends.

and even though i should have been comfortable that evening, the truth that i had just four days with my classmates bothered me.

and it bothered me too much.

i did not enjoy my stay in law school. i guess, it was just not my calling.


nobody ever expected me to finish law school anyway. everybody thought i was too carefree to follow everything that law school required me too. everybody thought i did not have the brains for law school, or if i did, i didnt have the attitude for it. everybody thought that i was just wasting my tim and money, they thought that once again, i wa being the little brat that everybody knew me to be.

and you know what? after five months in law school...i



have proved that.....


... everybody was right.

i did not have what it took to finish law school. my guts spat it out. i couldnt take all the constrictions, all the rules and the prohibitions. somehow, i never felt that i could truly express myself in law school.and that made me restless. it made me search for my true passions. i guess i entered law school to prove to everybody that i COULD do it.

i got one of the highest (if not the highest score in the entrance exams). i got a score of 98%. i got a perfect mark on the second part of the exam. i took a separate IQ test which told me i could be a lawyer.

and somehow, this convinced me that i had what it took to finish law school. but i soon discovered that law took more than jut practical knowledge. although i may have had the capacities to finish law, i never had the heart to do so.but now that im quitting; i have given my naysayers another reason to see me negatively.

but i dont care right now. that has ceased to be important to me. what matters to me now, the reason for my deep pondering, the reason why i am, again, staring blankly into space is my friends. the friends i have made in law school

and although i have never showed them how much i cared for them, i really ,really do. i care for most of them; even the people who i do not really talk to.

they are all really fun and they are all nice to be with and i appreciate the fact that they respect my individualism and that that they are really welcoming and approachable and that they really do not compete with each other. these people are really a ciommunity. of course there are certain groups/cliques/barkadas, but nobody in the class has acted negatively towards me. i truly believe that none of them dislike me...and if they do..they better keep mum about it

argh..once again im typing too much, its sounding pointless...

what i wanna say is

i will miss my friends..i will miss them in a magnitude they probabaly do not understand. after all, the only thing they are gonna lose is me. i, on the other hand, will lose a whole class of wonderful people..

i will miss them. i will miss their smiles. i will miss the laughter. i will miss it all.

i hope that after im gone, they learn to appreciate each other more, and appreciate the moments they have together. i will never have those moments with them again. so i hope they learn to appreciate what il never have

confessions #15

i think il shed a tear after our last exams. i do not know why, but these people are close to my heart.

its probabaly true what they say: that people who are with you in times of trouble and hardship will always remain close to ur heart

and thast was what law school has been for me. a constant struggle. and im glad that i had some of the most wonderful people to share it with.

so even though i try to act cool all the time, and try to look like i never care; i'd risk it one time. il cry my heart out when i finally leave my classmates who have become more than classmates...they have become friends.

Not Invited

My little brother came home from school excited. he was invited to a pool party by his classmate. im sure he would not swim, he would be too embarassed of his body. im sure he would not be talking to much anyone there in the party. he is a really shy boy and he does not mingle much with his classmates. im sure once everyone started swimming, he would call mama up to fetch him. im sure he would be embarrased to eat much. im sure he would not belong.

but i understood his excitement. it was an extremely special event for him to be invited to these parties. he did not have many friends, and his classmates seldom invite him to parties. he even attempted to get an invite, he asked his classmate if he could come along. of course the celebrant said no. he had already given out invites and my brother was not part of his inner circle.

right now its 12:30 in the afternoon. my brother is already in the shower, even though the invite says the party starts at 3. thats how excited he is. and im excited for him as well. and a part of me is guilty. here he was, excited for a party. when he gets there i doubt if he will enjoy it, or that he'll have something fun to do, but the fact that he was invited is enough for him.

on the other end of the social spectra was me. the one who always, always gets invited by everyone. i really do not know why, but im sure im a social butterflty. i try not to make anyone uncomfortable and im just relateable. plus i have a lot of things to say and i have a lotta crazy stuff in my mind. i may be fun. thats probabaly the reason why i usually get invited to festivities and what not...

so when i think about how my brother is in the social jungle that is his classroom..it breaks my heart...

and then the inevitable happened. my pity for my brother became self-pity.

i was excited for him because he got invited to a party, and then i discovered that it was my classmate's birthday as well.. and lo and behold, she chose not to invite me. to normal people this would be fine. maybe we werent as close as some of our other classmates were with her but i did not take it lightly.

i am zhaun ortega..,.the one who gets invited to every party, every barkada outing (even if i was not included in the barkada) and to me, this was a sign that my social standing was waning...or was directed towards a different direction..

confession #15
this realization was not happy i was sad for my brother because this party invite was thye exception. his norm would be not getting invited.

and here i was. i was not invited, and this was the exception. and i feel like shit. i could not accept it. i cant imagine how my brother could take this everytime he hears that one of his classmates was throwing a party and he was, yet again, not invited.

Remembered Too Late ( One Sweet Day)

"Sorry, I never told you... all I wanted to say"

Those are the opening lines of one tof those most succesful songs ever written. the song is called One Sweet Day, penned and performed by amriah Carey and BoyzIIMen.

I do not know anyone who does not know about this song. It is truly a wonderful song, and although it is filled with melismas and vocal acrobatics, the essence and the meaning of the song was too strong to be covered up by such vocal suprfluousity. Of course, the song is wonderfully sad but hopeful. And somehow, i never truly understood the meaning of the song until yesterday.

I know the lyrics are clear and that everyone could probably relate to the song because loss is a toic everyone has experienced and has had a hard time experiencing, but soemhow, i did not really "feel" the song as much as i feel it now.

And this was yet again, because of another party.

Yes, I was invited yet again to a party. This time, it was my friend's 21st birthday. And i was quite taken aback when i learned where the party was going to be.

When i arrived at the Davao Memorial Park, i greetd the birthday girl straight away. We were in her mom's mosoleum.Her mom had died a couple of months back and she probabaly wnated to spend her first birthday without her mom (physically), with her mom (in essence).

What struck me was that this woman lying there in the mosoleum was someone i had never talked to. I had been invited to several birthday celebrations of this particular friend but she had never brought her mom along. She would often leave her behind or something. Mayeb her mom was busy, maybe she did not feel comfortable drinking in front of her mom (who would be?). But my point is that she was never around us when her daughter celebrated her birthdays... until now.

Although it is such a cliche, the saying "don't know what you've got 'til its gone" is a strong one because it is true, and most often, it is a realization too strong to ignore. So it struck me. How long must we wait to start to show care for people we truly care about?

Will we forever be stuck as what the philosopher Riceur would describe as a "socius"? One who is too caught up with this functional relationships instead of his personal relationships that we do not really get to stop for a while, step back and show people how we truly feel about them?

Are we too caught up in the beaurocracy of our modern world to have a chance to be truly human towards others? Are we too caught up with our functions rather than our relationships?

These thoughts are deserving of some pondering, and i think everyone should asses their lives at some point. we should never let go of the things that truly truly matter to us. We should not allow our jobs, school or whatever holds us back and gives us a false goal to make us forget the truly impoertant things in life: family, friendas and compassion.

confession # 14

that is probabaly what i like about clubbing. you eternally live in the moment. you do not have any function to perform. you just party, and party hearty! no worries, no one forgotten, no one sad..

until you come back home and then people ask you for those projects, people ask you to do chores or bosses stress you out.

The good thing is, there is always an all out, no holds barred gimmi8ck nigh out waiting for you every weekend.

Everyone Is Disposable After a Few Shots Of Vodka

well, welll, well...

once again i went out last saturnight and it was all less than ordinary..

i do not know why but i was not in the mood for whatever it was we were doing..

i guess the fact thati had a measly 2 hours of sleep in two days did not help much either, but somehow, i kept on thinking that there was more to it..

i mean, there was just too much negative enrgy in the air...and when im feeling stressed, the first thing i wanna do is dance my nigth away in some club..

however, no body wanted to dance with me..and those who wanted to dance with me..were, well...i wasnt up for dancing with them

so my official gimick buddies did not want to get in the floor
and when they finally decided that it was time to, i had already been sleeping at home in my bed

wjhat was the matter? well..a lot of stuff

these chicks i call my "official gimmick buddies" were feeling the sting of love


the other one was trying to make peace with another one of our gimmick buddies (who happens to be ehr boyfriend)

and the other one was pisssed off at her pseudo-boyfriend and was anxiously waiting for other pseudo-boyfriend to arrive


needless to say..i was in a corner minding, for the first time, my own business

and there in the middle of rizal promenade, where my friends were feeling hurt because of the motions of love..i was wishing that i had somebody to cry for, to hurt for..and maybe to dance with


i do not know what is up with my life right now, or if i hadnt been open to new people..but it has been forever since i was giddy in love or giddily infatuated...


i have been waiting for someone, anyone to knock me off my feet..and i do not know where that person is, or if that person will ever come..and seriously..im getting tired of singlehood

BUT at the same time..i would be too embarrassed to introduce my speical someone to my friends (they could just as easily form the young critics association) hehehehe

confession # 14

since i was not up for anything and my friends would not dance with me..i walked out and went home..

i guess its true waht i always say:

"Everyone is disposable after a few
shots of vodka"

Not-So-Good Byes

i have exactly 23 more days left in law schol, and i dont feel the way i thought i would. i mean, a couple of months ago, i thought law school was bringing me down. it was keeping me too busy to enjoy life and smell the roses. but now that it is about to end, i think i feel strange about it all... i even feel a little sad

i have managaed to make friends in law school. i am not overly close to ayone, five months is too short a time to truly get to know one individual. i do not know who these people really are, i do not know what makes them uberly happy, i do not know what makes them sad. i do not know what ticks them off, and i do not know what motivates them. i do not know all about them, and i do not know why. maybe they have not given me enough attention or information, maybe they did not befriend me enough, they did not reach out to me. or maybe i was being too self obsessed to care. maybe i did not give them the time of day, i did not get out of my way to get to know them. but right now, i does not matter who they are, where they're from, what they are made of. right now, what matters to me is that i am comfortable enough with them, to start calling them my friends. and this is exactly the reason why i am feeling a little down-hearted and sad.

i am not sad because im letting go of my dream of becoming a lawyer. for the most part, im sad because im leaving a bunch of wonderful people behind. i mean, i would like to think i have made a connection with my classmates, a connection that would not be severed just by the fact that i decided to quit law school ahead of them. haha..

i hope that in the near future, when they had just finished an exam, and they are bombarded with projects upon projects and reading materials galore, they would stop and enjoy the moment they have with each other and start to truly appreciate each other, not just as classmates, but as friends. i hope they take time to bond with each other and create moments that only law students would appreciate. the moments i may never have with them again.

i never expected that i would feel this way towards my classmates. i went to law school, not looking for friends... i did not want to get hurt again. i always suffer from separation anxiety. i was never good at good byes. and now, that it seems like i have left my friends hanging (because this time, instead of all of us closing a chapter of our lives, i was the only one leaving) i do not know how to deal with it.

i have always prided myself with the knowledge that i was jaded, numb, or as i always say, "emotionless". but that is not always true. in times where i would have to leave good people, good conversation, crazy times, and wonderful memories behind, i always feel lonely.

more importantly, i feel sad because i did not take time to get to know each and every one of my classmates. well, of course i know of them, but the sad truth is, when i step out of those classroom doors for the last time, i am not sure i would get invited back in, by my classmates. i am not sure if they would still text me when they are planning a night out. i am not sure if they would still invite me when to go out to drink late at night. i am not sure if they would still remember me, or if i had truly made a mark on them for the few months that i was with them.


there are a lot of things i am not sure of, i am uncertain about my life after law school. i do not know where im headed, i do not know what i will be doing, or if my plans will push thru. all i know is, every single day i spent in law school was not a waste... because in the course of looking for cases, reading hundreds of pages, preparing for exams, understanding concpets of the legal profession and relentless drama with our terror teachers i had found real friends. friends who accpeted me even before truly knowing who i was. all they know about me is that i was always chillaxing, partying, drinking and was always willing to befriend another person...and that was enough information for them to consider me a friend. and for that... i am eternally grateful.


confession # 13
with all the confusion surrounding my premature departure from law school; i do not know where im going, i do not know where i will be when these people i call my friends have become full fledged lawyers.

all i know is, in the future, when they have already been accepted as members of the integrated bar, it would not matter where i see them, whoever they have become, whatever the circumstances are, i will (and you can take my word for it) come up to them and greet them, just like old buddies do.

and i shall be proud that once upon a time, this great lawyer standing before me, thought i was important enough to talk to. i shall be proud that a person i used to call "friend" is now a lawyer. and i shall tell him/her how much i have missed him/her... because i would surely miss my classmates...


actually,



i already do...

The Partyphile Commandments

1. Thou shall not look like shit when entering a hot club.
This is the most important commandement, unless of course, you want to be like Ugly Betty.

2.Thou shall not spend more than 100 bucks each time thou goes out to party.
Real partyphiles do not spend too much. They are popular, thus people want them to enjoy and be part of their crowd... thus the feree drinks and pick up rides

3. Thou shall not drink beer.
this is the most overlooked commandment. Drink hard drinks. beer is passe. Hard is posh. Plus, who wants a beer belly?

4. Thou shall not care what others think.
Who cares what lowlifes think? You dont, partyphile reader. Dance all you want, scream all you want, drink all you want. you never have to explain yourself to ayone else but you.

5. Thou shall dance.
Nothing sucks more than a person in the middle of the crowd who is just standing or sitting there. If you do not know how to dance, at least bob your head.

6. Thou shall not eat two hours before taking ecstasy.
You WILL vommit. I swear. So, be nice, give your friends a favor and keep your food inside your stomach. Or outside of it, for a t least two hours before you drop that pill.

7. Thou shall stand out
Wear something outrageous, dance something like a fool, givwe people a strip tease, make out with a hottie, dance atop the counters. Just do something to stand out. Your frive minutes of fame will feel so good.

8. Thou shall not vommit.
Just because its totally gross and smelly. When you feel like projectile vommit is in the near future, just stop drinking, stand still, suck on hard candy and tell someone about how you feel. Just dont puke all over the place. gross.

9. thou shall not come to a gimikan alone.
You would not want to seem like a sex starved predator now, would you?

10. Break all the rules.
Smoke where you are not supposed to, drink whatever is handed to you, no matter how much people warn you not to mix your alcoholic beverages. Just break all the rules. even these commandments...