unsure of uncertainty

i just came home from a hosting gig and right now i feel like im floating

i dont know how i feel..maybe i need to get some rest..

i dont know..and i hate the feeling of not knowing...

and it is frustrrting when im in this state because there is always a part of that seeks to know everything i9 can..and when i dont know something that is an intrinsic part of who i am or the way i feel

i just dont feel like im zhaun

argh,...this just frustrates me



i mean...in this world where there are only a couple of things that you could really call your own and you really can be sure of..just losing anotheer one of those is painful
and....i dunno...just plain annoying


and thats is why time and again i love going out on gimicks

because there in the middle of the crowd..everything is sure..
you are sure to dance
you nare sure to have a great time
and you are sure that once you have gotten home...the gimik life will still be waiting for you with open arms

give love on xmas day

hmm...my body is sore...i cant smell anything..ive got the snuffles...my head aches and im just not feeling well...

its 8n days before xmas and the season has brought the yuletide breeze as well..needless to say..im not feeling in tip top shape because of the sudden change in the weather..

and what makes it worse is that its 8 days before xmas..

and although i know its supposed to be a warm and fuzzy time for everyone..

i feel like something bad is looming...why?

because once again im going to spend christmas alone...

and why, do u ask, is this such a bad thing?

well..i dont know...but this has been a cycler for me..every christmas for me was spent alone

and im getting tired of it all...

why doesnt someone give me love on xmas day?

the Christmas Shoes

Prepare to get Goosebumps.. This is one of the most beautiful, albeit sad, songs...i have ever heard...ever






It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.

And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.

Chorus: Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, Sir? Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said
Theres not enough here.
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.

He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow Ive got to buy these Christmas shoes!

So I laid the money down; I just had to help him out
. And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!

Chorus

I knew that I got a glimpse of heavens love
As he thanked me and ran out.
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.


Chorus in childrens voices


Young boy: I want her to look beautiful




If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

Miss You Most At XMas Time

This is one of the saddest christmas songs i have ever heard..from one of the most prolific songwriters and most beautiful voices of our time: mariah carey

The fire is burning, The room's all aglow

Outside the December wind blows

Away in the distance the carolers sing in the snow

Everybody's laughing

The world is celebrating

And everyone's so happy

Except for me tonight

Because I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window

This cold winter's night

At all of the twinkling lights

Alone in the darkness

Remembering when you were mine

Everybody's smiling

The whole world is rejoicing

And everyone's embracing

Except for you and I

Baby I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right

But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

In the springtime those memories start to fade

With the April rain

Through the summer days

Till autumn's leaves are gone

I get by without you

Till the snow begins to fall

And then I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right...

But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

Confession for xmas:

aside from valentines..christmas is truly one of the saddest days to be alone..just like this song says

"Remembering when you were mine...Everybody's smiling...The whole world is rejoicing, And everyone's embracing.....Except for you and I"

is santa real?

holidays are coming..and yeaa..i might have gotten the christmas bug already...but somehow

i feel like this christmas is not going to be as exciting as it used to


i remmeber the dy in discovered that santa wasnt real..it broke my heart


and that probabaly was one major factor that lead me into somebody who did not get excited for the holidays..

i mena, christmas used to be magic. i used to like christmas because it gave me something to believe in. it taught me that nothing was really impossible, and that every llittle qwish you have may come true..and then i discovered santaa wasnt real..

santa's gift was the one thing that i looked forward to during the holidays...and the knowledge of the falsity of this magical gigantic elf...well..it just disapointed me


but..it was good while it lasted...


and that pretty much sounds like the chistmas im going to hjave this year..it seems like i had somethying real..but now...with a lil more conteplation..i discovered that, like sant, love during the holidays is just something that isnt really for me..

but, like the knowledge of santa...it was good while it lasted

confession:

i dont know how things will turn out..but, being my crazy self...i always expect the worst case

FinDinG XmAs

Published in Edge Davao Business Weekly

I must admit, it took me a while to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I am a partyphile; giddy excitement was not an emotion I wanted to be associated with. I had carefully crafted my party persona, and I am nowhere near giving that up for some lame season. Somehow, I have become jaded after all those Christmases when I didn’t get the “it” gadget or wasn’t allowed to party as hard as I wanted to. I had always been one of those people who wanted to have a perfect Christmas; I expected everyone to be nicer, I expected to be showered with lavish gifts, I wanted Christmas to be, in a sense, all about me. My Christmas realities never lived up to my Christmas expectations, and that taught me to suppress my excitement for the season. Plus, getting excited for Christmas has ceased to be “cool”. The business student in me told me that Christmas bazaars, promos and packages were invented to gain extra income before the year came to a close. I was somewhat of a Christmas pessimist. Yes, I had suffered from the Grinch-syndrome.

But something sparked inside me when I saw that popular soft drink commercial on TV announcing that Christmas was indeed coming. It brought me back to the days of my childhood when all I expected was the privilege of opening presents come 12:01 of December 25. It had brought out the wide-eyed child in me, and I realized that this Christmas would be different.

This Christmas season, I was excited, I was giddy, I felt like a child waiting for the stroke of midnight. This Christmas I was the one who was nicer, I was the one who wanted to give gifts, and I was the one who wanted to feel and enjoy Christmas, even if it made me seem like I wasn’t “cool”. This Christmas, I swore not to pretend that I was all grown-up, because the season gave me a license to feel like a child again. I realized the power of Christmas to transform a jaded partyphile whose only joy is gimiks and alcohol into a five year old child who was content by the fact that people cared enough to actually buy him presents.

I realized that Christmas has indeed come, just like the TV commercial had announced, but this time it came in a different mode. It had not come because the latest gadgets were released, or because the malls were filled with Christmas trees; it did not come because our house was filled with presents, and the air waves blasted Christmas carols; it did not come because the TV commercial announced it or because there were Christmas bazaars everywhere.

Christmas had come because I welcomed it, I allowed it to; and I allowed myself to look at the world through my 5-year old eyes again.

And although the things that now make me happy are completely different from the stuff that I used to write in a letter to send to the North Pole; the meaning of Christmas has not changed. And I am glad to say that the idea of spending Christmas with the people who really matter still excites me.

Remember: being excited for Christmas does not cramp your style; it does not make you any less of a partyphile. It does not make you “un-cool”, it does not take away from your partyphile persona. This season, forget about what anybody else has to say and stick with what you know will make you happy. After all, joy and happiness have never gone out of style… no matter what season.

Confession # 15

I am writing this while staring at our Christmas tree, and I must admit: there is nothing better than thinking back on all those carefree Christmases in front of a fully decorated tree. Somehow all the sparkling lights relax me after a chaotic day. Maybe because it brings back the happiest days of my childhood… or maybe because they mimic lasers and disco lights and bring me back to the happiest days of my adult life? Who knows? All that matters is I have found the Christmas spirit again.

'Tis the Season for Reunions

Published in Edge Davao Business Weekly

Christmas is fast-approaching and it is becoming more and more obvious; my mornings are spent freezing in bed, my ears are almost at the point of vomiting yuletide carols, everyone I meet seems to be overly giddy, and glitter gets in my eyes every time I visit a mall.

I have grown accustomed to the so-called traditions and shenanigans that go with the Christmas season; however, I have realized that my Christmases are fast becoming a time to schedule reunions and other nostalgic get-togethers. Being a partyphile, one would guess that I would be up for any, and every, get together, and to some extent, one would have guessed correctly.

However, it gets a little annoying to have to attend these little reunions with friends I have not met since last December. Don’t get me wrong; I would love to see them again, but where and when I see them… therein lays the problem.

You see, my High School clique has asked me every December, since graduating High School, if I wanted to attend our mini-reunions. After confirming my attendance,they proceed to ask me (even if they already have some place in mind), in a uniquely annoying manner like only they can, where I would want to meet them; and I would always tell them that I’d like to go to some club; get wasted, dance a little and laugh a lot.

At the back of my mind, I already know that they wouldn’t agree; clubs are much too crowded and noisy; there would be no chance for a proper conversation. Apparently, they feel the sudden urge to “catch up” and probably imply how well they have been doing in their chosen careers, their love life, and how huge their pockets have gotten.

I agree to meet them in some resto or café, knowing that I would, once again, waste hours of my precious time. You see, we have nothing in common anymore; we don’t go to the same High School, we don’t like the same stuff, we almost always, have nothing to talk about, heck, we don’t even live in the same island! Instead of actually having a good time with my High School buddies, my Christmas season turns into one big, boring, and uneventful reunion. And most of this I attribute to the wrong choice of location to hold our reunions.

If there is one thing I realized from attending too many pathetic reunions, it is the fact that the impressions you make on your friends last until the next December reunion, so make wiser choices when dealing with “long lost” friends, go for something unexpected, and realize that “catching up” doesn’t have to mean long, dwindling hours of senseless conversation.

Confession #12

People often ask me why I feel the need to suggest a reunion in some noisy bar, when I already know that my friends would turn the idea down. I never felt the need to explain myself, but the truth is: I’m still hoping that maybe this Christmas, they would finally agree. Why?

Because there, in the middle of some loud bar, where uninteresting and sometimes boastful, hypocritical conversations are not possible, I realize who among my High School clique have remained to be my friends.

Who shares a seat with me?
Who tells me I have had enough to drink?
Who rubs my back while I’m hurling out vomit in some public (eeew) toilet?
Who texts me a couple of minutes after, just to check if I arrived home safely?

All these questions lead me to discover who have remained to be my friends, in the truest sense of the word… and isn’t that one of the best gifts one could receive this Holiday season?

So go on partyphiles, spread the cheer and the beer this Christmas and have a no-holds-barred night-out with those long-lost friends!