what i need most

im at work right now..its 15 minutes before i do my boardwork and im..underwhelmed? idont know..i expected to receive something today and ididnt..and it jjust complicates my life all over again...boring days...here i come

anyways...

wow..it really is the end of 2008..and i have experienced quite a lot this year.
i graduated last march. i entered law school, got the highest mark in the entrance exam for law school. i topped our first exam. and then i quit law school. i started singing in some local bars, and that was always exciting. i now have my own column in a local paper...and that brings me some sort of satisfactio. i have been writing for several websites, my article in you magazine will be released in this month's issue. i am now a dj and a tutor... i also worked for a hotel for a day.


all these seem like a big deal. when i read it on paper, it seems like i hav achieved a lot...but really...when i ook at myelf..it still is me..and no matter how many years pass, and how many great things happen...if it happens to you..it is just..underwhelming..


i am not great. in my mind i am not. and i probabaly will never be great, or the greatest at what i do...and i do a lot...

and i dont think thats a bad thing...that it is one way to stay grounded...but something ha happened to me..i have become unexcitable..i have become too "chill"...that is not to sya that i have become cool..im just always....steady...always relaxed...always unemotional..unexcitable..in a sens..i have become boring...

while the lifeim living is anything but that...it is pretty exciting...but i dont know..i have just become boring....and bored...with life..with love and with everything that comes along with it...i need a revolution..i need a radical change...what i need the most right now....


is a new year

confession:

although new year bringsa lot of food and get togethers...and im all for that..somehow, im not as excited as used to be..i dont know..call me crazy...but i think the partyphile is growing up...or he's just growing tired....

welcome to the world of the grinch

Here I am, once again, in front of the PC.

It is Christmas morning but it doesnt seem like it is any different from all of my other mornings. It seems ordinary. Nothing is special today.

Probably the biggest difference between today and all my other morning is that there is a lot of food on the table.But other than that it all seems the same.

I am tired because I stayed up too late last night, but that is something I always do. I had just woken up, but I want to go back to sleep again. That is something I always feel. Fortunately, today I can do that, because I do not have work. After all, it is a holiday. But I do not feel any difference between today and any other holiday. In my mind, they are all the same. However, the moment I turn on my TV, I am reminded that today, Christmas Day, is supposed to be special.

earlier, I woke up because there was a huge earthquake. Obviously, that does not happen very often; and it was actually quite noteworthy.I mean, how often do I get to experience that?

I had a lot of pizza and fried chicken...for breakfast; and that does not happen often too.I ate breakfast with my cousins whom I have not seen for a year now. Obviously, breakfast with these little brats does not happen often either.

Most people would gather these pieces of information and conclude that today is quite different from any other day; one might even say today is special. Not me.

I feel like I have been here before. This tired-sleepy-full feeling is something I'm terribly familiar with. To me, nothing seems authentically new.

Yes, it is Christmas, the most special day of the year for the young-at-heart. However, I am still sitting beside myself wondering why I am not excited; why I do not feel giddy for this once-a-year happening.

And then I realize, this might be the effect of the cause we call maturity. Maybe all the good things we hear about Christmas is fluff. Maybe the real meaning of Christmas is not as deep and profound as everyone makes it to be? Maybe Christmas is reserved for the young-at-heart because the true meaning of Christmas is being excited about opening gifts. Some people would say this is the most childish reason for Christmas, but if you really think about it, aren't we all just victims of commercialism and fairytale-esque realities? Maybe the reason why I have stopped getting excited for Christmas is because I have chosen to stop being materialistic.

Gone are the days when I would come to school after Christmas break with my new bag, new ball pens, new shoes, new pens, and new perfume.

This year, I have no classmates to boast to, I did not have new pens to boast of, and quite frankly, I have ceased to feel the urge to boast.

I mean, they say Christmas is about family and giving, and rainbows, reindeer, and snow, and funny giant elves who creep into your home at night. But I live with my family, and we see each other everyday; and I do not need a special day just to appreciate what my family has, and what we share. And to whom should I give to? To my family and friends who have everything they need?

I don't know. I'm not quite sure about anything I just said, but my point is: the only reason I got excited for Christmas as a child was because I wanted to open gifts. Nothing more, nothing less.

And now that I have ceased to be materialistic, there is no need to be excited for anything any more.

This is not sad, it is not tragic. It just is.

confession:

Now I understand why Christmas is for kids. Unlike adults, they have the license to be materialistic, without being snubbed upon by society. And the good thing is, they do not even expect much. They take whatever material thing they are gifted with and treat it like it is the best gift they have ever received.

But once you have failed Christmas expectations, you slowly become a jaded Christmas elf; afraid of having Yuletide expectations, afraid of getting excited for the season, and afraid of letting the fabled "Christmas Spirit" take over.

Welcome to the world of the Grinch.

unsure of uncertainty

i just came home from a hosting gig and right now i feel like im floating

i dont know how i feel..maybe i need to get some rest..

i dont know..and i hate the feeling of not knowing...

and it is frustrrting when im in this state because there is always a part of that seeks to know everything i9 can..and when i dont know something that is an intrinsic part of who i am or the way i feel

i just dont feel like im zhaun

argh,...this just frustrates me



i mean...in this world where there are only a couple of things that you could really call your own and you really can be sure of..just losing anotheer one of those is painful
and....i dunno...just plain annoying


and thats is why time and again i love going out on gimicks

because there in the middle of the crowd..everything is sure..
you are sure to dance
you nare sure to have a great time
and you are sure that once you have gotten home...the gimik life will still be waiting for you with open arms

give love on xmas day

hmm...my body is sore...i cant smell anything..ive got the snuffles...my head aches and im just not feeling well...

its 8n days before xmas and the season has brought the yuletide breeze as well..needless to say..im not feeling in tip top shape because of the sudden change in the weather..

and what makes it worse is that its 8 days before xmas..

and although i know its supposed to be a warm and fuzzy time for everyone..

i feel like something bad is looming...why?

because once again im going to spend christmas alone...

and why, do u ask, is this such a bad thing?

well..i dont know...but this has been a cycler for me..every christmas for me was spent alone

and im getting tired of it all...

why doesnt someone give me love on xmas day?

the Christmas Shoes

Prepare to get Goosebumps.. This is one of the most beautiful, albeit sad, songs...i have ever heard...ever






It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.

And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.

Chorus: Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, Sir? Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said
Theres not enough here.
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.

He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow Ive got to buy these Christmas shoes!

So I laid the money down; I just had to help him out
. And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!

Chorus

I knew that I got a glimpse of heavens love
As he thanked me and ran out.
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.


Chorus in childrens voices


Young boy: I want her to look beautiful




If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

Miss You Most At XMas Time

This is one of the saddest christmas songs i have ever heard..from one of the most prolific songwriters and most beautiful voices of our time: mariah carey

The fire is burning, The room's all aglow

Outside the December wind blows

Away in the distance the carolers sing in the snow

Everybody's laughing

The world is celebrating

And everyone's so happy

Except for me tonight

Because I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window

This cold winter's night

At all of the twinkling lights

Alone in the darkness

Remembering when you were mine

Everybody's smiling

The whole world is rejoicing

And everyone's embracing

Except for you and I

Baby I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right

But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

In the springtime those memories start to fade

With the April rain

Through the summer days

Till autumn's leaves are gone

I get by without you

Till the snow begins to fall

And then I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right...

But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

Confession for xmas:

aside from valentines..christmas is truly one of the saddest days to be alone..just like this song says

"Remembering when you were mine...Everybody's smiling...The whole world is rejoicing, And everyone's embracing.....Except for you and I"

is santa real?

holidays are coming..and yeaa..i might have gotten the christmas bug already...but somehow

i feel like this christmas is not going to be as exciting as it used to


i remmeber the dy in discovered that santa wasnt real..it broke my heart


and that probabaly was one major factor that lead me into somebody who did not get excited for the holidays..

i mena, christmas used to be magic. i used to like christmas because it gave me something to believe in. it taught me that nothing was really impossible, and that every llittle qwish you have may come true..and then i discovered santaa wasnt real..

santa's gift was the one thing that i looked forward to during the holidays...and the knowledge of the falsity of this magical gigantic elf...well..it just disapointed me


but..it was good while it lasted...


and that pretty much sounds like the chistmas im going to hjave this year..it seems like i had somethying real..but now...with a lil more conteplation..i discovered that, like sant, love during the holidays is just something that isnt really for me..

but, like the knowledge of santa...it was good while it lasted

confession:

i dont know how things will turn out..but, being my crazy self...i always expect the worst case

FinDinG XmAs

Published in Edge Davao Business Weekly

I must admit, it took me a while to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I am a partyphile; giddy excitement was not an emotion I wanted to be associated with. I had carefully crafted my party persona, and I am nowhere near giving that up for some lame season. Somehow, I have become jaded after all those Christmases when I didn’t get the “it” gadget or wasn’t allowed to party as hard as I wanted to. I had always been one of those people who wanted to have a perfect Christmas; I expected everyone to be nicer, I expected to be showered with lavish gifts, I wanted Christmas to be, in a sense, all about me. My Christmas realities never lived up to my Christmas expectations, and that taught me to suppress my excitement for the season. Plus, getting excited for Christmas has ceased to be “cool”. The business student in me told me that Christmas bazaars, promos and packages were invented to gain extra income before the year came to a close. I was somewhat of a Christmas pessimist. Yes, I had suffered from the Grinch-syndrome.

But something sparked inside me when I saw that popular soft drink commercial on TV announcing that Christmas was indeed coming. It brought me back to the days of my childhood when all I expected was the privilege of opening presents come 12:01 of December 25. It had brought out the wide-eyed child in me, and I realized that this Christmas would be different.

This Christmas season, I was excited, I was giddy, I felt like a child waiting for the stroke of midnight. This Christmas I was the one who was nicer, I was the one who wanted to give gifts, and I was the one who wanted to feel and enjoy Christmas, even if it made me seem like I wasn’t “cool”. This Christmas, I swore not to pretend that I was all grown-up, because the season gave me a license to feel like a child again. I realized the power of Christmas to transform a jaded partyphile whose only joy is gimiks and alcohol into a five year old child who was content by the fact that people cared enough to actually buy him presents.

I realized that Christmas has indeed come, just like the TV commercial had announced, but this time it came in a different mode. It had not come because the latest gadgets were released, or because the malls were filled with Christmas trees; it did not come because our house was filled with presents, and the air waves blasted Christmas carols; it did not come because the TV commercial announced it or because there were Christmas bazaars everywhere.

Christmas had come because I welcomed it, I allowed it to; and I allowed myself to look at the world through my 5-year old eyes again.

And although the things that now make me happy are completely different from the stuff that I used to write in a letter to send to the North Pole; the meaning of Christmas has not changed. And I am glad to say that the idea of spending Christmas with the people who really matter still excites me.

Remember: being excited for Christmas does not cramp your style; it does not make you any less of a partyphile. It does not make you “un-cool”, it does not take away from your partyphile persona. This season, forget about what anybody else has to say and stick with what you know will make you happy. After all, joy and happiness have never gone out of style… no matter what season.

Confession # 15

I am writing this while staring at our Christmas tree, and I must admit: there is nothing better than thinking back on all those carefree Christmases in front of a fully decorated tree. Somehow all the sparkling lights relax me after a chaotic day. Maybe because it brings back the happiest days of my childhood… or maybe because they mimic lasers and disco lights and bring me back to the happiest days of my adult life? Who knows? All that matters is I have found the Christmas spirit again.