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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Things You Should Never Do In a Club

For most partyphiles, moving inside a bar and acting like a true partyphile is like second nature. However, for some attention grabbing, etiquette-lacking, mojo-meandering, partyphile-wannabee; this may pose a challenge. And just on the idea of a slim chance that one of those wannabees may actually be reading this, I have come with some help. Here are the top ten things you should never do in the club, otherwise known as the Partyphile’s Modern Guide to Partying Properly:

1.) Never leave your drink unattended: First of all, without drink markers in this city’s bars, you can easily swap drinks with a stranger and contract some gross disease, like Loser-betes or the Home Body Syndrome, which is worse than having an actual disease. Gross! More importantly, someone might drop something in your drink which may result to you passing out, getting impregnated, or worse, cellphone-less.

2.) Never puke within the bar or within 3 meters of it: It is just unclassy and gross. Puking in a place where other partyphiles can see you is just plain embarrassing. If you want to vomit, do it inside a comfort room or as far away from the club as possible. Note: if you are reading this inside a coffeeshop while having some food and/or coffee, I apologize for the topic. If reading about puke makes you want to puke, you too are not allowed to do that inside the coffeeshop.

3.) Never crowd at the bar: if you plan to purchase drinks, then ask one or two people from your group to go to the bar and purchase drinks for all of you. This is just respectful to other people who want to order. More importantly, do not stay at the bar, by the bar, or anywhere near the bar. Not only will you make ordering for other partyphiles more difficult, you would subject yourself to dripping beer bottles passing over your shoulders (or your head if you are really short). If you want to make ordering a lot easier for you, make sure that you get the name of the bartender by asking him, or looking at his name tag. The next time you want to order something, yell out his name. That will always catch his attention. (duh) I know this sounds basic, but ask yourself: do you really know any bartenders by their name?

4.) Never ask the Club DJ for a song: He is a DJ. It is his job to look for songs that go well with each other, mix them in his own creative way, create beautiful transitions, play songs that seem appealing to the current crowd, and provide his own brand of music to the crowd.

a. Things that are not his job: pleasing you, playing your song, and looking through all his files just to find that one song you asked for that is not even that amazing.

b. Things that are supposed to play your requests: Jukeboxes, Radio DJs, Karaoke Machines, Mariachi bands in cheap resorts, Show bands in bars, vocalists in lounges, and other things that are NOT club DJs.

5.) Never wear sunglasses inside a club: My gawd! They are called SUN glasses for a reason. People who wear sunglasses inside bars (which are obviously dark) always seem like they think they are cooler than everybody else, especially when paired with a smug face and an arrogant swag. Annoying. Just plain annoying. In fact, if I am to be really honest, I have puked more times because of seeing people in sunglasses inside a bar rather than because of alcohol.

6.) Practice Ninja Moves: What are Ninja Moves? Well, those are tactics broke partyphiles employ to discreetly avoid paying for their own drinks. So no, please do not pretend like you have to pee whenever your partyphile leader announces that it is time to pay up. And no, do not suddenly disappear after you’ve finished your fourth round of Bacardi-Coke. If you do not have money to party, either don’t drink, or stay home.

7.) Never stand on the stairs: Why? Because it is inconsiderate. Why would you want to give everybody else a more difficult task of manoeuvring up or down the stairs? I mean, think about it. If you were a chick in stilettos and too many margaritas, wouldn’t you appreciate it too if the staircase was cleared out and sans annoying people who have nothing better to do than just hang out on the stairs?

8.) Start a fist fight: It is SOO un-partyphile-ish to start a fist fight. Partyphiles are the modern hippies. We stand for peace, love, and martinis! We are not supposed to pick fights, especially inside a bar. Moreover, it just ruins the mood for everybody else in the bar and forces your friends to stop partying.

9.) Never sit down the whole night: You are in a dance bar to (supposedly) dance. So no matter how much you hate the trash that the DJ is playing, gyrate a little. Exceptions: if you are NOT inside a dance bar, like a pub, or a watering hole. If your pants are torn in the middle and it would be too embarrassing to stand up. If your napkin leaked.

10.) Never fart: The truth is, most bars in the city have a problem with ventilation. It is bad enough that the whole place smells like alcohol and sweat, so please do not make it worse by farting. And do not give me that smirk. This actually happens. Trust me. There was this one instance when I was dancing with a group of guests from outside Davao and we started to choke on a stink bomb. They all swore that does not happen in Manila. See. So unless you want to embarrass Davao City even more, hold your fart it.

Catch Confessions of a Partyphile on the radio every Wednesdays from 6 to 9 in the PM on 105.9 Mix FM or You could also follow the columnist on or For comments, suggestions, and more confessions from this partyphile, log on to


Dutch said...

Home-body Syndrome?!
That is so me! hahahaha...

I totally enjoyed #10.

Jaime salvador said...

This is so true! lol..Cool!!Thumbs up for this!